What If
by lunarocks14
Summary: <html><head></head>There's always more than one choice in life. But sometimes, we only see the one. And then it's too late. Warning: suicide.</html>


**A/N: This is what happens when you listen to sad songs too much. :3 **

**DISCLAIMER: Do I _look_ like JK? Nuuhh. Sorry.**

_P.O.V: Myra_

I'm standing, but I'm leaning, leaning on the windowsill and looking out. Watching him get rejected again. Rejected by that snob, the one who's meant to be pretty, and amazing, and lovely... but I don't see it, to be honest. She's a cow, a stuck-up snob.

He shrugs it off, and I can see his other friends laughing. I say other, cos I'm one of his friends. His best friend, to be exact. Well, best female friend. Sirius is his best guy friend.

She turns and walks off, shoulders stiff with anger. I lean my cheek against the glass and stare down at him. _Oh, James_... he's laughing and joking with his friends, but I see him glance in her direction, wistfulness clear on his face.

I honestly can't believe I can think about her in such a bitchy way. I'm usually quite a nice person. It's just... just the way that she rejects him, flicks him off without a thought. She doesn't care for him, and she never will. _James_... I sigh and breathe on the glass, before tracing a heart in the mist and drawing J.P in the middle. My finger's cold, but I hardly notice. My cheek's freezing and numb against the glass.

I look down at James again, just as he launches a snowball at Severus Snape, and see Sirius laughing. Much as I love him, I wish he would leave Snape alone, sometimes.

A full-on snowball fight starts up, with the Slytherins siding against the Gryffindors. I straighten up with a resigned sigh; I should go join them. I laugh slightly as I remember what I'm wearing. I glance down at the thin T-shirt and shorts, then back out of the window, down at the snowy scene. The Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws seem to be siding with Gryffindor, mainly. But that's the way it always goes. Everyone knows that Slytherins are on their own, basically; in fact, you often won't even see a second-year Slytherin standing up for a first-year Slytherin, despite their loyalty. It's different with the other Houses.

I suppose that's why Slytherin produces so many Death Eaters. I'm ashamed to think it, but it happens to be true. They're pureblood, and venomous with it.

James launches a snowball at _her_ (or maybe I should say Her, like it has a capital letter at the beginning, and is special, like James does.) She appears to be yelling at him. I push the window open slightly in interest, glad that I'm only on the second floor.

"... just because you're James Potter does _not_ mean you are allowed to harass every girl you see!" She screams, red hair flying.

"Evans, I don't harass _every _girl I see," he calls, sounding injured. "You know you're the only one for me." He adds, placing his hand over his heart and grinning at her dopily.

Damn, if only he'd say that to me. I sigh again and watch her reaction. "In your dreams, Potter."

He looks injured again. "How can you say that? I know, one day, we will be together!" He cries dramatically. "Lily Evans, will you be mine?"

She laughs, eyes flashing cruelly. "No way." That's twice in less than half an hour.

He looks heart-broken for a second, then shrugs. "One day you will be."  
>"How's life on planet You Wish?" She asks, voice high with amusement.<p>

I shut the window with gritted teeth, then sink to the floor and let out a groan, closing my eyes. Her face swims in front of me and I growl. Bitch. Cold-hearted, cruel, evil _bitch_.

Doesn't she see how much he means it? How much it actually breaks his heart when she rejects him, _again_?

Obviously not. I glance up as a mob of James Potter's fan club go past, giving me and my bare feet odd looks. I wriggle my toes and draw my bare knees up to my chin.

A snowball slams against the window above my head. I wince slightly, glad it wasn't open.

I get up slowly, and lean against the wall for an endless moment, just stand there and stare at the snowflakes falling past the window.

Falling... like the tears I wasn't aware I was crying.

I sigh as I unpack my stuff. One more year, and that's all I've got, this time.

I never realised seventh year would feel so melancholy.

I bite my lip as I unpack my photo album, and sink to my knees, opening it tentatively to the first page.

A pair of beaming, chocolate-covered three-year-olds beam out at me. James' dark hair has just been cut in this picture, and he's laughing and smearing more chocolate into my long reddy-browny hair. I'm squealing and protesting, but laughing at the same time.

I flip the pages, finally stopping randomly, and this time we're seven. James is waving his dad's wand around, and whoever's holding the camera is protesting feebly about it. I'm sitting on the floor, watching James and laughing. Even at such a young age, you can see the hero worship in my eyes.

I flip some more pages. This time when I stop, we're ten, and Alice Longbottom is in there too. James is standing on a tree stump, laughing and talking, and I'm shaking my head but laughing, my eyes sparkling. Alice is throwing and catching a ball, and laughing whole-heartedly.

A few more pages on, and we're eleven, just boarding the Hogwarts Express. I can see the puppy-like love for James in my eyes already, but in this picture, I can see the dissatisfaction and slight hurt. Sirius is laughing and shaking his head. I remember: that was when James saw Lily, and turned to me and Sirius, grinning and, jerking his thumb back at her, said "That's the girl I'm going to marry."

They met Snape and Lily a few minutes later, when I'd gone to the loo. They made fun of Snape and jeered at Lily, but James was quite in awe of her.

I snuffle, staring at the picture, then flick through a whole bunch of pages until I get to my favourite – taken when James and I were fifteen. We've got our arms around each other, and I'm leaning my head on his shoulder, laughing at something he's just said. He's grinning, eyes sparkling with laughter and mischief. My eyes shine as I look at him, but he doesn't notice the loving spark n them.

I've been in love with him since I was 11. Six years. And all of that time, he's loved Lily Evans.

Love is unfair, and so unpredictable. James says him and Lily are meant to be together, that it's Fate, or Destiny, or both.

I wonder.

Lily and her friend Mai come in, gossiping about something-or-other. "Yeah, but..." Lily begins, a look of dissatisfaction on her face.

Mai places a hand on her arm. "Remember, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel."

But the thing about lights at the ends of tunnels? They're always oncoming trains.

I get up, and leave, walking past Mai and Lily, and find myself walking past a Muggle Studies classroom, where they seem to be on moral issues. "Should euthanasia be legal, as suicide is legal?" I hear the teacher say, and I laugh, laugh out loud.

Of course suicide is legal. It's not as if you can give a dead body a life sentence.

A morbid thought, but I'm full of them nowadays. I look up as an owl lands near me and studies me with a baleful look. I sigh and hold out my arm. It flies to it, offering the letter. I take it and recognise James' writing at once, and I can't help laughing. He hasn't seen me in what, four days? and he's messaging me. I wonder at his laziness – he could come find me, surely?

I tear it open.

_Myra, dearest friend_

_How are you? No, wait – _where _are you? _

_I am going to put up Missing posters soon. _

_Come back to me. Dude, the Common Room misses your sarcasm and loveliness._

_Yeah, I miss you, as well! _

_Padfoot says get back here or he'll come for you. Not sure what he means there, but it's rude knowing him._

_Moony says you probably want alone time. Uh, what? Huh. _

_Wormtail's being dense. I think he needs more female company. _

_James – remember me?_

I laugh, stowing the letter in my pocket and heading back to the Common Room. I say the password cheerily, and step inside to find James giving Lily puppy eyes. "C'mon – I said I was sorry! You know you love me."

She shakes her head, but I can see slight amusement in her eyes. "I have detention because of you, Potter!" She stalks off to her dorm.

James' eyes are wistful as they follow her.

We're all slaves to love, in the end.

I lean against the wall, holding my broomstick and laughing at something James just said. He's laughing too, and tossing the Snitch into the air, then catching it. He's in such a good mood, he even ignores Snape when he walks past.

Then he catches sight of Lily and his eyes light up. I frown slightly. The two of them have been becoming better and better friends, recently.

What do you do, when you love someone so much it kills you to see them loving someone else, but it also kills you to see them unhappy?

"Hey, Evans!" He shouts.

She looks up at him with sardonic amusement in her eyes. "Well done for winning the game, I guess." She says, walking over to him with a short laugh.

He grins at her. "Yeah, well, there'll be plenty more victories where I'm going."

"Where's that – the commentators' box?" She asks, but her voice is nowhere near as full of venom as it was a year ago. I watch, curious.

He looks offended. "No, catching the Snitch! And you'll be cheering me on, as my faithful girlfriend."  
>"Well, I'd hardly be unfaithful, would I?" She sighs, rolling her eyes.<p>

A petal drifts down and lands on the ground between them as he frowns at her. "No, I guess not. So, Evans, how about it? Will you go out with me?"

"You'll have to stop calling me Evans," she retorts, lightly.

I think the whole world stops breathing in that moment.

James stares at her. "What – really?"

"I guess persistence pays off, huh?" She says, with a wry smile.

He steps across the gap between them, treading on the petal as he swoops her up into a hug. She's laughing, and I'm staring at the petal, its white and pink colours the only brightness I can see, it's crushed.

Crushed – like my heart.

Life is a game, but there are no winners. Love is a way to kill yourself without dying. Depression is just a way of saying you're never gonna be happy again, in this lifetime.

You can't spell life without lie, and that's what it's full of.

Friends stab you in the back, enemies stab you in the front, strangers stab you in the stomach, but loves stab you in the heart.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

How can I let him go?

A tear trickles down my cheek as I watch James say the fateful words, eyes full of love and trust for Lily. She repeats them, eyes shining. I can't stay anymore; I have to stand up, stand up and leave. I glance back as I reach the door. James is glancing at me, but the vicar says "You may kiss the bride" and he turns away from me, to Lily, and kisses her softly.

It's this, this last betrayal, the point where reality hits me and drives into my heart like a shard of ice, that I finally can't deal. I walk to my car, get in, and drive, drive until I reach the only place – after Hogwarts – that I ever felt happy. The cliff, the one I've sat on and cried, laughed, kissed, hugged.

I sit on the edge of the cliff now, and swing my legs slightly, before the tears finally start.

He's got Lily now. He's got his reason for living, and, finally, I've completely lost mine.

I shuffle slightly closer to the edge of the cliff, my tears drying on my face as the wind whips harshly. I can almost hear voices in it, telling me to leave, that I'm not wanted.

"If it comes back to you, it's yours." But he's never coming back to me.

I close my eyes, feeling the breeze on my face.

I think of James.

Then I jump.

**A/N: Reviews loved and adored. :3**


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